why...

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do. One minute you're totally in love with someone and the next it seems you want to strangle them. I was speaking with a friend recently when I was told that my friend's ex had done some not so nice things. I see it as a cry for attention. My friend saw things differently. My friend got me thinking about my own romantic history.

When I was 22, I dated a friend of mine who turned out to be a crappy friend and an even worse boyfriend. He slept around and I never knew about it. What did I know about love though? How did I love someone who was so obviously bad for me? G-d bless my friends for sticking with me through that but he broke my heart. It was the first time in my dating history that I had my heart truly broken. I bounced back quickly from it but he left a bruise on my heart that took a long time to heal. It healed just in time for me to have it broken again. How did I go from loving him to hating him? Easy- he cheated on me and I found out.

Before I moved to Israel I was with a guy who also broke my heart but not in the same way. He let me down but in the end- I see it as my saving grace. I wanted to hate him. I really did try- but I couldn't. I knew that not being together was the right thing to do. I bounced back from that one too. Really quickly. My heart mended in record time.

I also dated a guy that I connected with on every level. When we broke up, I couldn't wrap my head around it. My gut said one thing but my head and my heart said something different. It's no what you think. My gut said "it's not over" but my head and my heart agreed that I needed to move on. So I tried. To date, that has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do- especially when your gut still says "you guys aren't done yet" but the rest of you tries to move on. What hurts most is I never knew how I got from completely falling in love with him to not even speaking to him. How did things get like this? The guy I deemed as one of my best friends, is someone I rarely speak to now. It hurts. I can't lie on that one.

I've moved on, I date but it's just not the same. No one has lit that fire inside of me like he did. Yet, I still move on. I wait for that guy who has the secret match to start my flame. I try not to revert to my old habits- most of my friends back home are surprised. In the end, I still wonder how I seemed to get from point A to point F with so many people... but what is more surprising to me is how I survived it all. All the broken hearts. All the tears shed. None of it really matters anymore. They all lead me to a greater destiny.

women

While walking to meet someone tonight, I had a thought about my role in this world. In all honesty, this thought started while watching "How I met your mother" on my computer but it festered in my brain until I realized that I wasn't sure if my "dreams" of being a writer are really my dreams or a cop out because someday I want to have kids and I want to raise them. I've always had this idea that I am going to write books. This means I get to stay at home and raise my kids. Everything I learned from my mother just got thrown out the window.

I was raised to believe that I can do what ever I want to do. I knew as I kid that I was great at making up stories. I could entertain people with them. I LOVED that! So, naturally, I thought it might be a good career. As I am now 26, it has hit me that I want to settle down at some point with someone. I want the whole family and kids thing- but does that include a career too? What about my dreams of travel or my dreams of running a successful business? What about my dream of being a politician? Can't I do it all? Some say yes- most say no. I know that I love to write and I envision myself writing for as long as g-d allows me to, but does my vision of being this great writer fit in with my vision of being a great mother?

So, these were my thoughts tonight. I wondered whether I sacrificed something bigger and better for reasons like having a family. Some of my questions were answered just by thinking of my sister, Kim. She is the lawyer. The one that everyone in the family likes to brag about. They should brag- she's brilliant. She's a great mom, a great lawyer, and a wonderful wife. She's also due in a few weeks with her second kid. She has a great career and a great family. Just the thought of her makes me understand that I really can do what ever I set my mind to. So, by the end of my walk, I realized that my dreams of being a writer and staying at home to raise my kids (all fictional at this point) are not copping out by any means. They are amazing dreams to have because I really do want to be a great book writer and I also really want to have kids someday. One day, hopefully, both of those dreams will come true and I can be the kind of woman that my kids are proud of calling their mom- just as I am proud to have a mom that taught me all I need to know about being a woman.

labels

This will not be a blog about clothing.

Now that this is out of the way- we can discuss the labels that people put on relationships.

Last night, I went to a party that my friend threw on the beach. As expected, I was the first one there. I tried to be fashionably late but, let's face it, I'm Polish. I am on time or nearly on time for EVERYTHING. That is a label and a bit of a crutch for me. I do things a certain way because "Ani Polaniya" or I am Polish. This would thrill my grandmother, not. I am ok with being Polish though. Not so OK with being American because the label of being American here isn't so great.

At this party, it hit me that I am comfortable with who I am and I actually want to start settling down a little. (Dad, pick your chin up from the ground... it's not that shocking.) I am the girl that has boyfriends for two months and then I find something fundamentally wrong with them. So, why does this "player" want to start settling down? Well, last night I had a conversation with an old friend who was also at this party. I told him I missed doing the couple things. I have plenty of guy friends but I just want that one guy. That one guy to go to the movies with. That one guy to watch TV with. That one guy to go to the grocery store with. I want to be part of a "couple" and I'm ok with that now. The thing is, I had all of that. I was happy with all of that. I was happy with the mundane things that couples do. But the label of "couple" or "relationship" scares some people. I am one of them. I need to ease into something for it to work. I "fell" into my last relationship and it felt natural. We were just two people enjoying each others company. Well, at least that's what I thought it was.

After the break up, my friends back home were surprised I didn't go my normal route of making out with guys just to take the hurt away. Instead, I dealt with the pain. I am still dealing with it. I didn't turn into the "whore" that apparently I used to be. All of this got me thinking last night. What is a label? It's just something to call something else. It's a term we use to describe something. The label of "boyfriend" means little to nothing to me. Why? Because that term doesn't reflect how my heart feels. Someone can be my boyfriend all of a sudden after a week of dating or gradually after five months of dating. It's just a label. Boyfriend is a term I use when I get sick of saying "you know, Matt, the guy I'm dating."

I have decided that right now labels are useless for me. At some point, the only label I will want is "good wife" and "great mother." For now, I will settle with "awesome friend" and "that cute girl...Hillary."

Realizations

Lately I have been watching a lot of the first season of Sex and the City. I told Adina that I understand why I never really watched that show. I find it to be rather stupid but it's fitting in my life right now. Yesterday was the harvest holiday of Shavuot. I went to my aunt's mothers house. I was holding my cousin Amit and all I kept thinking was "at some point, I am going to be ready for this" and that scared the shit out of me. It also made me sad that I am so scared of moving forward in my life.

Today, while sitting in my therapy session, my psychologist told me she was trying to figure out where she fits into my life. Is she the person I just talk to? Is she the person I ask for guidence from? To me, she is both. We spoke a lot about my ex and about my familial issues. I realize I have abandonment issues. Not so much that I am afraid people will leave, so I cling on... but more that I imagine most people will leave and I accept it. I don't latch on. I don't get attached because I have never been able to fall back on anyone. I just accept that I only have me.

It explains a lot about my relationships and how I view men. My mom divorced my dad, he moved out. My sister had her own share of men troubles. Nothing has ever been consistent for me. I realize that I am not fully ready to commit to someone. Yet, that is what I want. I want to be committed to someone. I want to fall into something with someone. I want to be able to work on a relationship with someone without thinking that he's going to get some crazy idea in his head and leave me. I want someone who wants to be with me, regardless of how scared he might actually be. I want someone who will be just as scared as me but will work through it together. Does that make sense? Does that exist? I hope so.

what the heart wants...

Every once in a while you meet someone who validates your feelings just by being them. Last night I hung out with this guy Mike. He is just a friend (mom, don't get your hopes up). I cooked him dinner, which is not unusual for me to do, and we went bowling. Through our 5 hour 'date' we just talked. We established our friendship. He and I talked about my second favorite subject - sex (my first being politics). I love discussing why people do the things they do, especially when sex gets involved. Everyone has their own views on sex. If you ask a group of my friends when is the 'right' time to sleep with someone you're dating, the answers will vary. Some of them will say when he becomes your boyfriend, others will say third date. Most will say 'whenever you are ready.' I am a person who believes in the last answer with the addition that it needs to be early enough that you can work on it so that it adds to your relationship. (**My parents may want to stop reading at this point.**)

Sex adds to a relationship. "Good girls" don't want to put out too quickly for fear they will be labelled something like a slut. It's stupid and simply untrue. You are not a slut because you enjoy sex. You'd be a slut if you put out and didn't enjoy it (personal opinion). In this day and age, sex is a beautiful and scary thing. There are a lot of STD's out there and sex CAN end your life in about 20 years with HIV/AIDS. However, sex can also make or break a relationship. I remember when I was 22, I had a conversation with my sister after I first slept with my then-boyfriend. She told me that it's ok to not feel gross afterwards. It's ok to feel happy and not used. He was, after all, my boyfriend. She also told me that it gets better once you fall in love with someone. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I hit 25 that I knew what she meant. That would be the make or break a relationship sex. I like to think of sex as make-up. Make-up is there to enhance your beauty, not cover it up. Sex is meant to enhance your relationship, not cover it up or mask it as something it isn't.

My original point to all of this is that last night I felt validated for the first time. It was great because I didn't have to state my case in order to get this feeling. Mike just started talking and everything that came out of his mouth about women hit me really close to home. How he spoke about women reminded me that men are not out there to just get laid - some really do appreciate women for who they are. Our one real argument had to do with why I have no real roots to any country (I am very much Israeli but who knows where I will end up in 20 years) and why I feel that it is up to my future husband to figure out where those roots are. He asked me why my husband couldn't be where ever it is that I am. I told him my plans for the future and why I have those plans. The conservative part of me told him that I want to raise my own children and be home for my kids. I didn't grow up having my mom at home- she worked. I do not fault her for this, in fact, I praise her for this. She taught me that a woman can run a house and have a job. Just as my step-mom taught me that it's ok to want to have dinner on the table for your husband when he comes home. I am old school. I like that about me. I do not fault women for putting their kids in day care, I will probably do it too. I was a day care baby and I turned out ok. Billy Joel once wrote "Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike / Indiana's early morning dew / high up in the hills of California / 'home' is just another word for 'you'" and in respect to my future husband, it's true. I can live in Argentina, France, Spain, or Timbuktu for all I care- as long as I have my family there, that is what matters to me.

Deli

This post is not about love, lust, or heart ache... well, maybe a little about heart ache. There are times in your life where all you want is soup. A good Kosher Chicken Soup from the local deli. As I write this, I have a cold. It's not so bad yet- but it sucks. I hate being sick. When I am sick, I want chicken soup. It's funny to me how in the Jewish state there is no such thing as a NY style Kosher Deli. Honestly. The European Jews must have adapted to the Sephardic way of life because we don't do chicken soup here. It's annoying. I will settle for anything at this moment in time. Perhaps Shira and I will actually open up a kosher deli complete with chicken soup and kneidelech...

All things political

I decided to open a new blog for all things political. I am a staunch Zionist, an American Republican, and very opinionated. For all my rants on current events, governmental bullshit, and the beauty of politics, head to www.politicalram.blogspot.com.


It is entitled Political Ram because I am an Aries. Aries are known for being stubborn and hot headed- and for showing all what they are really thinking. The symbol for an Aries is the Ram. Since I love politics- it made sense to call this blog the Political Ram.

Enjoy, I will start posting things shortly.

ticking bomb

I am amazed at how many of my American friends have been glued to the Jerusalem Post with the story of the possible ousting of Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. When Olmert first took office, I was hopeful that he would be what Israel needs. Unfortunately, he sucks. Plain and simple. Tzipi Livni is no better with her public outcry for Olmert to step down. It makes her look weak. As a woman, it's a shame for me to see that.

For those of you who are not up to speed with what's going on, here's the gist of it. The Winograd Committee basically faults Olmert and the Knesset for the failure that was the Second Lebanon War. If we had gone in with real force, we would have reached the Litani River in a matter of days, not weeks. Unfortunately, Israel is humane. We are a humane nation that cannot justify the unnecessary slaughter of innocent people in order to kill terrorists. Unlike Hezbollah who could have cared less about who their rockets were hit by.

Right now, as I write this, the Prime Minister is condemning a rally in Tel Aviv that calls for his resignation or dismissal. It's funny that he is condemning this rally. Supposedly, 58 percent of Israeli's polled wanted him out of office. Some want Benjamin Netanyahu, others want Ehud Barak. A few people would like to see Tzipi Livni take his place. While normally it might worry people that so many people want Olmert out of office, what worries me is that Nasrallah wants him out of office. Amazing that this "leader" recognizes this golden opportunity to chime in. He comes out smelling like roses for saying he respects Israel for "admitting" they were wrong.

People, we are living in scary times...