Life is hard. I learned this from my dad when I was about six and gleefully told him that I wanted to go to work... right away. It looked like so much fun! My fathers response "Kiddo, life is hard. You don't want to work sooner than you have to." He is right on both counts.
Life is hard. I am dealing with that right now. I am a new citizen in a country that is only 59 years old. My dad is older than that! Over the past year I have dealt with a lot but my heart is heavy right now. My brain is in a million places. I can't focus and I am going out of my mind. I am worried.
Last week, I spoke to my grandfather. He sounded terrible. He shields me from a lot because he doesn't want me to focus on him or his illness. He wants me to enjoy being Israeli. This week was different. He told me he is dying. When I spoke with my mother, she scoffed at the idea and told me he's been talking about death for months. This time felt different to me.
Now my Papa is in the hospital. He is sick, like he told me last week. The doctors found an infection but they don't know where it came from. If he is a cat with nine lives, he is quickly running out of them. Two years ago, when I made my decision to move to Israel, my mother informed me that my Papa had three months left to live. The doctors told my Papa his Leukemia had taken over. I've been lucky to have him for almost two years after that.
I feel like a horrible grand-daughter. Not just because I live in Israel and I am not there to help him, but also because I pray. While I am not an overly religious Jew, I turn to HaShem for a lot of things. He helps with the day-to-day things, he listens when I complain about my love life, I ask him for a peaceful mind when it comes to family matters. This time I asked him to put my Papa out of his misery.
It sounds horrible. I feel horrible for doing this but apparently it does not make me a bad person. I want his hurting to stop. I look at my dad's parents and see life in them still. I hear hope in their voices when I speak to them on Shabbos. I don't hear that same hope when I talk to Papa. I hear pain and suffering. I want what is best for him. When I moved to Israel, I figured I would never see my Papa again. I do my best to keep up with the phone calls, but it's hard and life gets in the way. Life is hard.
I wish my Papa peace. I wish him good health. He has had a long life. I wish my family peace because it cannot be easy, especially for my mom, to watch him suffer. This past week I have learned how hard life really is. I have been faced with many challenges and I seek guidance from g-d... I just wish things weren't so sad and my brain was focused... instead of in a million places.